Over the past three or four decades, John Gottman and his colleagues have developed an approach to couple therapy that has focused on identifying what successful couples do in their relationships and seeking to guide others in following their lead. In their research and clinical experience, they have uncovered seven key principles for making intimate relationships work. These include:
- Share Love Maps: This is all about knowing your partner intimately and having a detailed map in your mind of what makes your partner tick. Examples of this would be knowing your partner’s likes and dislikes, her long-term aspirations, or his favourite little treats.
- Nurture Your Fondness & Admiration: This involves active reflection on the things that you respect and admire in your partner, rather than focusing so much on minor irritations or grievances.
- Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away: This principle is all about responding positively to your partner’s bids for your attention. For example, when your partner wants to tell you about her day, you would enact this principle by giving your full attention and showing support and empathy for your partner’s challenges and triumphs in the day that was.
- Let Your Partner Influence You: This involves an openness to your partner’s mindset and way of doing things, such that decisions are made with mutual respect and being open to different ways of doing things to your own default position.
- Solve Your Solvable Problems: This involves recognising which of your problems are solvable and which are perpetual. Solvable problems might involve such things coming up with a clear chore roster at home. In contrast, perpetual problems inevitably arise again and again, such when one in a relationship is financially thrifty and the other is rather extravagant. In such cases, new challenges will inevitably continue to arise around how to manage finances. Strategies to enhance this kind of problem solving include using Softened Start-ups, Repair Attempts, Physiological Self-Soothing.
- Overcome Gridlock: This principle involves identifying perpetual problems in your relationship and developing a framework for better communication around these challenging points of difference. This involves such things as better appreciating each other’s life dreams and aspirations, identifying areas of flexibility and identifying temporary compromises where possible.
- Create Shared Meaning: This involves creating a shared life that is meaningful for both of you. Marriage isn’t about just raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a deeper dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together–a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for the roles and aspirations that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be part of the family you have become.
The Gottman approach to couple therapy seeks to identify which of these principles needs the most work for your relationship and to give you the skills and mindset to do better in this aspect of your relationship.
Our couples therapist at Moving Forward is Paul Corcoran, who is a highly experienced Clinical Psychologist. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us if you would like some help. To enquire about an appointment with Paul, please complete our Online Contact Form, and a member of our team will be in touch shortly. Alternatively, please call us on 1300 133 013. Our experienced Clinical Psychologists are located in Terrigal (10 minutes from Erina) on the beautiful NSW Central Coast. We are also available Australia wide, via Telehealth.